Showing Up

Putting mental health into words is difficult, but I have done my best in this blog to share a personal story on a topic that doesn’t get talked about often.

This past spring, I was fortunate enough to find myself back in California! This year I arrived with a pivot in my mindset. After struggling with my mental health in the winter, I chose to go to California for more than training. It was an investment in my whole self, going somewhere that would make me happy. I focused on my love for paddling and training instead of specific goals. I figured I would be more successful in achieving those goals if I appreciated the bigger picture more.

Coming out of California, my favourite aspect was the people I surrounded myself with, specifically my training partners. I was immersed in an environment full of positivity, support, and a lot of fun. Showing up to a positive locker room every morning where you know you would be greeted with a smile and “Good Morning!” was contagious. It lifted my mood and the whole group. It became my goal to bring home this experience of being elevated by teammates who support and celebrate each other.

(Special thanks to Mary, Lisa, and Anja)

I did my best to bring this home. But after a few days of being extroverted and outwardly happy, I would crash. I was experiencing high-highs and low-lows constantly. The extreme swings in mood and energy were exhausting. I was unable to get out of bed, sometimes for the whole day. I tried to be accepting and responsive to the lows, but the lows would last longer each time.

Sleep became a huge issue, to the point where getting myself up for morning training took everything I had… just to show up. This affected everything I did. My performance and health declined and all the small things I used to do became impossible.

A teammate of mine had suffered from major health setbacks over the last two years and I admired them so much for their ability to show up every day with a fresh mindset, hoping that today would be better than last. The strength they had to arrive was seen by our whole team and greatly respected.

When I reflect back on this, I realize my situation has a lot of similarities, yet I do not respond the same way at all. I greet my struggling with shame and criticism. Thinking it is pathetic how hard it is for me to show up to training. Why can’t I celebrate my ability to show up the same way I did for my teammate? I realize I hold a lot of judgment and lack a lot of sympathy toward mental health. I see this reflected in some sport environments… there is generally a lack of empathy and understanding towards athletes that face setbacks in ways that are psychological and not physiological.

It’s important to note that I put in a lot of effort to openly communicate with my peers and team what I’ve been going through. I’ve received support and encouragement, but I began to project my apathy onto others, believing they hold the same judgments towards me as I do. I started to shut out support because I didn’t believe I deserved it.

Last week I attended the Canadian Sport Institute Ontario’s Symposium where several key-note speakers and industry experts discussed the growing complexity and concern for athletes’ mental health. The topic of mental health wasn’t being discussed to check a box; it was presented to emphasize its significance in sport for all stakeholders. Some presentations included mental health continuums for athletes, looking something like this:

Seeing this made me feel overwhelmed. I identify with the right side of the continuum and can’t help but feel a bit hopeless. The last keynote speaker was an Olympic track athlete who spoke of experiencing setbacks and how she was able to recognize the ebb and flow of mental health and training. I tried to challenge myself to view this as a temporary challenge, one that I can come out of on the other side.

Seeking professional support is a necessary step for anyone working through mental ill-health. It’s not fair to expect coaches and other sport leaders to take on the role of a therapist but at the same time, it is important for them to have education and awareness of such situations. Because frankly, my scheduled virtual meetings with a therapist are helpful, but the people I surround myself with on a daily basis are more important. As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, you don’t have to understand what a person is going through to listen. It is important to realize that there is always more than what you can see and to develop some sensitivity with that in mind.

One note I wrote down from the Symposium was “don’t make assumptions”. Don’t assume someone is OK, ask them. Don’t assume someone wants to be treated a certain way, ask them. Don’t assume someone wants to be left alone, ask them.

Mental health is hard and complicated, but it has an impact on everyone and everything. I don’t speak up often about social causes, but I think it is important to do so when you have something important and relevant to say. I think I can help by sharing my story and starting to celebrate showing up, maybe you can too 🙂

Sharing my experience over the last 6 months is challenging but I hope that it can shine a light on some areas that we may not understand. I am trying to understand my own experience. We don’t need to understand what someone is going through to listen.